i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
