I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
