I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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