So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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