We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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