its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
