I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
