And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
