I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
