Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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