The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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