I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
