Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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