I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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