so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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