Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
