Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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