I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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