tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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