Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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