Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
