so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
