I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
