A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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