so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize