Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
