Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
