half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
