I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
