your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
