I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
