You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
