Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
