a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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