I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
