actually, I'm a sock model
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
