Don't make out with my wife yet
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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