My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
