I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
