Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
