Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
