How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
