Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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