I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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