Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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