I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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