You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
