sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
