We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
