I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
