Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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