taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
