yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
FUCK WHALES
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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