Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
