I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
